Mutha Fuckin Cats

A single girl in her 30's: go ahead and dig a ditch and throw me in it.  Wait, what?  What the hell am I thinking?!  Oh, I know, I'm thinking women are crazy because men are idiots and all those years I thought my older friends were nuts, well, turns out they are fuckin nuts - but with good reason.

Pimpin ain't easy but for fuck's sake - being an unattached woman in this schizophrenic city is fucked, too.  I see tons of young men running around, looking dapper, looking for trouble.  I see tons of young women, sauntering to and fro, waiting for trouble to find them.  How the hell is it all these folks aren't meeting up?  One theory is that only the tiniest segment of people - the incredibly attractive - have enough confidence to actually speak to the opposite sex.  The other 98% of us are so grossly aware of the possibility of rejection that we keep our eyes lowered and immediately look away in fear, when we do accidentally make eye contact with other humans.  This protectionist tactic does make it rather difficult to meet those of the opposite gender.

My assortment of female friends runs the gamut, from the average, pretty girl next door, to the exotic "where are you from?" to the tall and malnourished modelesque type that turns all the heads in the bar.  It's not just the average of us having trouble meeting men...it's all of us.

Do you know there's nothing interesting on Missed Connections tonight?  I mean, at least a ridiculous Missed Connection makes you feel like there's the possibility of romance - that men do actually have souls beneath their stoic, lifeless demeanors.  But even the Missed Connections is a sad and lonely place tonight.  What's a girl to do?  I'm gonna start buying some mutha fuckin cats.

That's right world, I tried.  I was nice and kind and silly and unique and what?  Oh, everyone's unique and wonderful?  I'm not a diamond in the rough with charming nicks and chips that someone might love?

More likely, and similar to the remaining 98% of us who are pretty average, I'm just having a rough day.  I'll go to bed, sleep in then make a nice, hot cup of strong coffee.  And then I'll wonder where the fuck all these cats came from.

As Scarlett said, tomorrow is another day.

Mercury Dreams in Retrograde

Fine.  I give in.  I'm so West Coast I blame my crazier than usual dreams on Mercury being in retrograde.

Admittedly, I'm a woman of a certain age: old enough to know better (but young enough to not give a damn). The inevitable dreams of childbearing were bound to occur.  The first such dream just occurred about a week ago, and that's where the true mystery of birth begins...

There was no husband around, I was to be a single mom.  I crouched over, old-school, woman in a rice paddy style; I reached down and held in my arms a beautiful, healthy 8lb...cocktail shrimp.  Yes - I had birthed a giant appetizer.

Generally one would be alarmed by giving birth to something non-human, however, I chuckled and held it in my arms proudly - because it was my jumbo cocktail shrimp.  I loved it so much.

Next Scene: I'm casually explaining to my mother how being unwed with a child - a monster cocktail shrimp-child - is totally fine because, as I rationalized it, "I always wanted a cat".  As I'm telling my mother not to worry about me and the future of my healthy baby I look over at it (it wasn't sexed, nor did it have eyes) and see my tasty bundle of joy morph into the cat I always wanted.  Again, instead of shock I was amused and laughed happily at my good luck - as I'd been saying to my Mom, "I always wanted a cat."

Final scene: I'm talking to a friend about my baby cat who's playing just outside my line of vision, again, maintaining that it was totally fine, that I was happy with having a baby crustacean that by some unseen power, transformed into a feline - and as I'm genuinely saying how happy I am I look over and my little kitten had blossomed into a beautiful little girl, with hair like mine when I was her age.

I laughed again at my wondrous luck.  And was happy.

Later, of course, I woke up wondering what the fuck!?