OK Cupid's Valentine's Day M*ass*acre

Yeah, yeah, it's Valentine's Day.

Lured in by foggy, sweet (sticky?) memories of the euphoric ecstasy of being love-drunk, I said fuck it and posted a profile on OK Cupid.

My hopes were not high but holy shit - what are you boys thinking with these fucktarded profiles?

It would seem there's a secret contest underway, as many of you appear to be vying for the title of World's Biggest Jackass.  But, for those gentlemen who are UNWITTINGLY contestants in this most epic of battles, I've come up with a helpful list - in the off chance that your goal is NOT to frighten off women and look like a total ass.

1. Webcam photos will, more often than not, make you look like a total creeper. 
2. Webcam photos taken in a basement will make you look like a total creeper who, more likely than not, has human heads stored in the freezer. 
3. While you might think a reference to sex in your user name is helpful, it's pretty unnecessary. Take a moment now to ask yourself if you have "69", "lick", "casual sex" or "ass man" in your user name. If the answer is yes, it's time to think of a new user name...or move your personal ad to Craigslist. 
4. Punctuation is good. Commas and periods prove you have some schoolin' (like, at least 6th grade schoolin')
5. You can leave your shirt on. We know you want to be naked but that happens later...much later. (Or realistically, in your case - probably never).
6. The drunk douche-bag photos are better saved for a third date - you don't want to lead with such compelling evidence from your mantastic nights out with your bros. Keep those aces in your pocket.
7. Of course you're looking for a "sexy chick" but are your man boobs and receding hairline worthy?  Realistic goals are more easily attained and let's be honest - a date with an average girl is way better than jerking off in your Mom's basement.
8. Creeper status will also be earned from photos taken standing in front of a mirror - do yourself a favor and learn to use the self-timer function. Mirror photos scream, "I'm stupid and vain." Worse yet, they whisper, "block me...block me hard."

Following these basic guidelines should help you feign normalcy, make more connections - and most important, it will repel fewer women (like me).

Happy Valentine's Day!

Lucky 27 - It's Written In the Stars

The magic of the season is in full effect - mix that with MUNI and here's what you get...

I'm getting on the bus and a guy says, " 'scuse me...I gotta ask, what size shoe do you wear?" I just repeat the question and then laugh in amusement.  He then sits across from me and I'm thinking, there's no way I'm going to get to ride home in peace and quiet.  I'm going to have a very odd conversation (in 3, 2, 1...)

"Ahh, I'm sorry - it's just that you have some really nice feet.  And you know, some people say that the size of your feet - or hands (Holy shit! Is he really going there? Do I look like a man?) - corresponds to their patience level.  So, I just noticed you have nice, small feet (yeah, tiny, sexy SIZE 9 feet - far more suitable for a hobbit than a human female) but, you know, your patience...it's kinda...(insert mental image of the "iffy" hand signal, also known as "ehh...", "so-so", and "kinda").  He didn't know that that instance was the most patient I've ever been with another human.  I laughed and just said, yeah you know, I don't really think of myself as being a very patient person.  "You know, it's those small (hobbit) feet you got."  That explains it.

- 20 seconds of awkward silence -  

"Uh, hey - what sign are you?"  This is gonna be awesome.  "What sign am I?"  "Yeah, you know, what's your astrology sign?"  Like any self respecting fire sign, I told him he was going to have to guess.  First he guessed Pisces (totally logical, I've always wanted to be a mermaid), I said nope.  Then he thought about it and really studied my energy and said, with a fair amount of self-doubt in his voice,"You're not a Leo...?"

"Ha!  I am a Leo!  Good guess."  Turns out my new friend (who, I'm guessing, suffered a severe head injury at some point in his life) is super into astrology and gets vibes off people.

While clearly off, he seemed harmless enough so I went along for the ride, "So, you're into astrology, huh?".  "Yeah, I like to read about it sometimes and I can tell, from peoples' energy, what their sign is, and their patience level."  Again he makes the "iffy" hand gesture with relation to my patience level.  "But Leos, you guys can get bored easily.  You're always looking for something new to do, you know, like where's the party?!"  I admitted that I can get bored but said I wasn't a big partier.  He responded by saying, "well, you're not a big party person but when you're in the mood, you're in the mood - and people notice.  They're like, she's in a good mood and everyone knows because your energy is so bright."  Oh, really...

The sharing continues. "The good thing about Leos is you gotta get all the exercise you want (huh? who wants to exercise?) because you like to sleep in and can kinda, you know,..." Again, I'm getting the "ehh" hand motion.  I laugh, "Yeah, I can be pretty lazy...I definitely like to sleep in and just chill out..." "An' that's cool, an' everybody likes to spoil themselves but you have to be sure to take care of yourself, too.  But Leos do like the good things in life."

- 10 seconds of awkward silence -

"You'd be good with a Taurus guy."
"Really?  That's crazy, both my parents are Taurus' and they are the most stubborn people I know (well, other than me).  I don't think I've ever dated a Taurus."
"Yeah,  Taurus or Sagittarius - another fire sign - 'cause they'd keep you entertained and going out to check out new things..."  He then told me he was an Aries (another fire sign), although he didn't recommend I'd be good with an Aries. ;)

His stop was before mine and he wished me a good night before pausing and deciding to ask me my name.  I introduced myself and he told me his name was Lawrence and shook my hand.  Along with his name, Lawrence gave me laughter, inspiration, the desire to look inward and a silly smirk I can't wipe off my face.

It's funny to think where inspiration comes from.  It's just dumb luck really.  How this guy made me laugh so much, after starting the interaction by telling me I have no patience for people, and then, that I have a tendency toward laziness, is beyond me.  Perhaps it was the hit to the head he took, but despite the funny observations, he seemed rather taken with me, and just earnestly wanted to share his perceptions.  And I'm glad he did.

Who knows, maybe I'd be good with an Aries?

Blue Cheese & Honey

Many a time I've pondered the inner power I possess to attracts freaks - my freak magnetism, if you will.  Tonight, after devouring a gluttonous portion of blue cheese drenched in honey, one such freak pinged me on Facebook.  Said freak had pursued, pursued, pursued, was granted an audience, then cancelled via text an hour and fifteen minutes prior to the audience.  Nary a phone call was received to apologize or reschedule, yet said freak continues to ping me with ridiculously juvenile greetings like, "Hi cutie" and the even harder to resist (God, keep me strong!), "Hey."

How Honey fell across Blue Cheese for the first time, I truly do wonder.  Did Honey try Swiss?  Gouda?  Did she give it a go with Manchego before she met Blue?  Maybe she tried Swiss a few times.  Swiss is interesting, foreign.  Swiss has depth, texture - is slightly nutty (and who doesn't love a little nutty?) and makes her smile.

But before she could meet Blue, Honey must have gotten some good advice.  Someone must have said, "Honey, Gouda smokes - and you don't work well with smokers, you know this.  Swiss just isn't all there - and you need substance, consistency, you know this.  You're absolutely amazing - you're sweet and golden and you sparkle.  You've gotta learn to say, 'You don't deserve this much pleasure!' and save yourself for someone who deserves the delicious happiness you offer."  Honey was lucky to know such a ham.

Taking a lesson from Honey, I will announce (in the depths of my secret heart) to any freaks I attract, "You don't deserve this much pleasure."  I am sweet, I sparkle, I have a heart of gold.  And if I'm feeling bitter I may add that they have missing parts and smell like smoke.

You don't deserve this much pleasure, Gouda.  There's plenty of Blue Cheese out there.