Yeah, yeah, it's Valentine's Day.
Lured in by foggy, sweet (sticky?) memories of the euphoric ecstasy of being love-drunk, I said fuck it and posted a profile on OK Cupid.
My hopes were not high but holy shit - what are you boys thinking with these fucktarded profiles?
It would seem there's a secret contest underway, as many of you appear to be vying for the title of World's Biggest Jackass. But, for those gentlemen who are UNWITTINGLY contestants in this most epic of battles, I've come up with a helpful list - in the off chance that your goal is NOT to frighten off women and look like a total ass.
- Webcam photos will, more often than not, make you look like a total creeper.
- Webcam photos taken in a basement will make you look like a total creeper who, more likely than not, has human heads stored in the freezer.
- While you might think a reference to sex in your user name is helpful, it's pretty unnecessary. Take a moment now to ask yourself if you have "69", "lick", "casual sex" or "ass man" in your user name. If the answer is yes, it's time to think of a new user name...or move your personal ad to Craigslist.
- Punctuation is good. Commas and periods prove you have some schoolin' (like, at least 6th grade schoolin')
- You can leave your shirt on. We know you want to be naked but that happens later...much later. (Or realistically, in your case - probably never).
- The drunk douche-bag photos are better saved for a third date - you don't want to lead with such compelling evidence from your mantastic nights out with your bros. Keep those aces in your pocket.
- Of course you're looking for a "sexy chick" but are your man boobs and receding hairline worthy? Realistic goals are more easily attained and let's be honest - a date with an average girl is way better than jerking off in your Mom's basement.
- Creeper status will also be earned from photos taken standing in front of a mirror - do yourself a favor and learn to use the self-timer function. Mirror photos scream, "I'm stupid and vain." Worse yet, they whisper, "block me...block me hard."
Following these basic guidelines should help you feign normalcy, make more connections - and most important, it will repel fewer women (like me).
Happy Valentine's Day!
